Jun 12 2012

An’ al-Haqq

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I met God today.

I was overdue for this. I should have known it was coming.

I sat down to get a coffee, and work on my paper a little bit. After writing a page or two, a somewhat nerdy looking gentleman came over to me. He glanced down at my notebook, and informed me that though he couldn’t read my handwriting, he was impressed with it, how tiny it was, how condensed. “It’s a good skill to have. My mother used to have handwriting like that. She made maps during World War II, because she had to show people WHERE THINGS WERE.

At this point, I’m still nodding and smiling.

God: “I think you shall be a scribe. In fact, I decree it. For, you see, I am GOD.”

Me: “Cool…”

God: “Armageddon is coming. In fact, it starts right now. I decree it. And why not? Everyone has the Bomb now. America has the Bomb. The Paki’s have the Bomb. Even the American Indians have exploded a device. Armageddon is coming!”

Me: “The American Indians have the Bomb?!”

God: “YES! Here, I’ll show you where they blew it up!”

At this point, he pulls out a Rand McNally road atlas from his backpack, and flips it open to a map of the U.S., with all kinds of markings on it, done in highlighter. He points to a massive red spiral on the Colorado/Wyoming border.


Me: (suitably impressed) “Wow. I had no idea!”

I noticed some other markings on the map.

Me: “What’s that? Why is that area highlighted?”

God: “That’s Nogales. Nogales Nogales! It actually doesn’t mean a thing!”

Me: “Okay… and I see you have New Orleans circled… and Washington D.C.”

God: “YES!! They won’t let anyone LEAVE!! But Armageddon’s coming! And I’ll make them let people leave!

Me: “Cool.”

God: “I can tell you’re a good man. You’re actually listening to me, honestly. I want to draft you into my army.”

Me: “Okay.”

God: “I want you to repeat after me. You may have heard some of this before, but I’m inserting something into it. See if you can figure out what it is.”

Me: “Okay.”

God: “I pledge allegiance… to the flag… and to the Republic for which it stands. One nation…indivisible… with liberty…and fraternity…and justice for all.”

(I repeat along with him)

God: “Did you notice what was different?”

Me: “You inserted ‘fraternity’…”

God: (impressed with my mad skillz) “YES!! And I don’t mean one of those college fraternities…”

Me: “No…no… sounds more like the French Revolution…”

God: “YES!!!! Liberté! Egalité! Fraternité! Liberté! Egalité! Fraternité! Liberté! Egalité! Fraternité! Viva la Revolucion!!! It’s the CALL OF THE WILD!!!! AWOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

(at this point, I noticed the bank security guard in the background, ready to haul him off. I was still amused at this point)

Me: “Jack London…”

(at this point God transitioned from coyote noises to Phil Spector girl group songs…very loudly… so I attempted to bring the discussion back down to a conversational tone)

God: “Are you ready to serve with me??”

Me: “Sure…”

God: “You will be my scribe. You shall write my words. You will write them in Gold. And even though I cannot see, I will be able to read them, for I am GOD, AND I CAN TRANSCEND TO MANY LEVELS ABOVE THIS ONE!!”

(at this point he started making “woop!” noises, followed by clucking… the security guard was still standing by)

God: “You will write for me. I don’t even know what you’re writing right now, but you shall write for me.”

Me: “It’s for school… it’s about consciousness and dreams, actually.”

God: “Most excellent. Your handwriting is fantastic. Like my mother’s with the maps.”

Me: “Yeah. See, that’s interesting, isn’t it? Your mother made maps, and you’re carrying maps around in your backpack…”

God: “My mother died yesterday.”

Me: “Oh. I’m sorry… what happened?”

God: “She was CUT TO RIBBONS BY THE MOB. But it’s okay. I killed them.”

Me: “Vengeance was yours.”

God: “YES!!!”

(God started making more clucking noises…then stops transcending the Many Levels, returns to this one, and notices the security guard for the first time)

God: (pointing to the security guard) “This young woman wants a word with you. It is time for me to depart!! Don’t FORGET!!”

Me: “Don’t worry, I won’t…”

God walked off, and the security guard came over to me with an exasperated look on her face.

Security Guard: “We had an incident with him in the bank yesterday.”

Me: (smiling) “It’s all good. I don’t mind talking to him. In fact, it was kind of enjoyable. Besides… what if he’s right?”

The security guard looked at me, saw I was smiling, and then broke into laughter and wandered off. It took me a bit to recover, but I was able to get back to work on my paper.

I have now fulfilled my duties as Scribe.

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