May 30 2012

Bad Movie Night

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Okay, I’m now watching what could quite possibly be the worst werewolf movie ever made.

And there’s a full moon out tonight, too. Heh.

If I didn’t know better, I’d swear this movie was the 8th grade production at Jess Franco Junior High.

So far, within the first 11 minutes, we’ve had fake blood running over bare breasts right after the opening credits, with a quick jump cut to Paris. No explanation for whose breasts they were, or why blood was running over them.

A bar with people dancing twice as fast as the music playing in the background

A ludicrously low budget flashback about “black magic”

(narrated in the manner of a kindergarten teacher reading Mike Mulligan And His Steam Shovel):

“She practiced all the known procedures of Black Magic. She took part in the sabbath. And worshipped Satan. The Inquisition tried to condemn her. But strangely enough all who came in contact with her were eventually murdured. She was an extraordinary beauty who had countless numbers of lovers. To preserve her beauty, she practiced an ancient ritual that was handed down through all the Mistresses of Black Magic. She drank the blood of young virgins. After draining their young bodies of all their blood, she disposed of her victims in a unique way. Legend has it that she was a vampire. And that her lover, discovering the truth, killed her the only way possible. He stabbed her with a silver cross.”

Oh, and remember how Werewolves are supposed to have pentagrams on their palms? The one in this movie has a pentaGON on his chest.

At 16 minutes in, its briefly become an episode of Dark Shadows.

This is going to be a fun 95 minutes. :)

32 minutes in, and I’m noticing a distinct lack of werewolves. We’ve had a zombie monk, an insane sister whose ideas of lesbianism is running into a bedroom with a crazed look on her face and groping another person’s breasts through her nightgown, then fleeing, and the ultimate stupid move: opening up the grave of the “Black Magic Priestess” , removing the razor sharp silver cross from her ribcage, cutting one’s hand on it, and dripping the resultant blood into the mouth of her skull. I mean really. Common sense dictates that you simply DON’T do things like that.

These “midnight” scenes shot at two in the afternoon with a crappy filter need to stop as well.

oh god.

(and I quote):

John Saxon wannabe:”The terrible thing, is that Walpurgis night is imminent. Endless horrors will begin to happen.”

Our Heroine: “According to legend, the Walpurgis night is when Satan takes over.”

John Saxon wannabe: “Yes. The Devil will then have his power. Nothing can be done about it. Vampires will reign supreme. There’ll be death. And many strange things. Never seen by human beings.”

There’s a guy named Pierre with an Austrian accent.

Wow.

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