Day 554 of Staying the Fuck Inside

Numbers are going down again.

I don’t necessarily believe this is a permanent decline – too many holidays coming up, and we should be seeing Labor Day numbers coming in over the next few days.

Kiddo has a performance today.

In the meantime, since it is again by the Church Whose God Can’t Hear Prayers Over The Voices Of Children Singing, I am wearing my new Pinhead shirt, that says “Do I look like someone who cares what God thinks?” on it. It turns out that this is also the day Hellraiser was originally released. So, I have a backup excuse.

I continue to sleep-but-not-get-rest at night. My shoulders and back are sore from sleeping in a manner of being constantly prepared to get up in case of emergency. I originally learned this trick years ago, when the Ex was prone to waking me up in the middle of the night to accuse me of cheating on her, because her dead grandmother warned her about it in a dream – way to use my own academic research against me – or some bullshit like I didn’t fold the towels in the “correct” fashion (which changed daily, btw), and was therefore abusing her. Sleep deprivation is a powerful weapon in the wrong hands. Use it enough, and your victim will believe anything. It’s taken me a long time to try to climb out of her deranged worldview. Nevertheless, old habits die hard.

Obviously no such problems exist currently, but my sleep-but-lack-of-rest is now a reaction to stressful situations – in this instance, ongoing pandemic and fire season. NEED to be ready, “just in case.”

Just wondering what the point is about a a lot of other things.

I wish I could believe a lot of things that others seem to.

I guess I’ve always had that inability.

Still, part of me wonders if it would make things easier.

Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as flipping a switch.And I’d probably hate myself for giving in.Everything’s fine.


I promise I’ll go back to posting stupid memes and animal videos soon.